Can't stick with your commitments? Here's what's been missing in your quest to get disciplined.
Breaking out of my rut happened only when I made it CRYSTAL CLEAR what I was actually deciding on. Now things have changed: I'm chipping away at my goals, feeling good with progress, doing better.
You have your experiences with making commitments to get self-disciplined.
This is who I want to be, and this is what I have to do—and not do—to actually be that person.
It'll go well for a little while, then you’ll slip a little and before you know it, you'll be back to our old ways, or worst as you binge on your vices in an attempt at pacifying your self-contempt.
You then tell yourself that the fundamental problem is your lack of self-control. It's your inborn apathy and a lack of motivation. Perhaps you are flawed... damaged... simply less than the other people out there on Instagram or whatever that have seemingly have their life together.
Sound familiar?
Of course, none of that stuff about being damaged is true; believe me—or believe your trained therapist who’ll tell you the same thing.
Here's the truth: breaking out of your rut will be tricky, but it is entirely possible with the right mindset, tools and support. What I've learned after struggling for 15+ years with brutal procrastination and bad habits is that it's absolutely critical to first gain clarity as to what it is you are seeking when you promise to get disciplined.
We tend to have this vague notion that, if I "get disciplined", good stuff will come and bad stuff will be avoided.
Though true enough, none of that is clear, so when it comes time to make any one of the thousands of decisions that actually count—should I eat this donut… should I watch another episode instead of exercise… should I put off starting on my work by checking Youtube—you’ll have nothing concrete and coveted to refer to to help make the right choice. Nothing to ground you, to prevent you from being swayed by cravings and rationalizations, like a leaf in the wind.
You always end up rationalizing your old troublesome behavior because you never have clear view of what's at stake. That vague notion that “things will be better if I stick with my promises” won't be a good enough motivator to stay consistent. If it was, you would have kept your New Year’s resolutions.
You need something better.
The way I see it is this: we’re all given a choice.
To help illustrate this choice, I borrowed and modified the Chinese philosophy Yin and Yang symbol.
In life, you can take the Yang path, or the Yin path. But not both.
The Yin path (black-half with the white dots) is the easiest and most obvious path to take. It’s the default path.
On this path you get access to pleasures. This is represented by the white dots: little gumdrop moments of gratification; innocent distraction from the worries and stress of our lives; sweet relief from the incessant itch of craving.
But the backdrop is black. It's dark and dismal. Often miserable.
When you’re on the Yin path, and when you’re not mindlessly inserting food in your mouth or urgently tapping at Reddit for a fix of fresh links, you might notice that background refrigerator hum of pain. Regret, worry, longing, craving… your unprocessed emotional pains and pressures… lingering, waiting, unprocessed, un-dealt with, haunting you.
The Yin is a life of suffering—a reverse nightmare that starts only when you wake-up off your devices and you open your eyes to reality—dotted with ephemeral, fleeting moments of pleasure and relief.
The Yang path (white-half with the black dots) conversely, is the opposite.
It is characterised by a white, tranquil mental backdrop we all seek. A clear and content head space. A joyful and grateful temperament.
On the Yin path, the destination is not having this or nor getting that—it’s not even succeeding or enjoying the many fruits of labor and success. It’s simply the blissful absence of wanting. Of being OK with what is in the here and now (and this bliss, carefree feeling is, btw, what opioid drugs are notorious for simulating)
There is, however, the unavoidable black dots with the Yang path. This is discomfort.
If you choose the Yang path, if you decide to go for that peaceful backdrop of happiness, you have to learn to expect, confront and deal with pointed moments, or dots, of discomfort. You must learn to observe rather than distract; and that’s no picnic.
To get the peaceful white, you have to experience the dots of black.
We all have background pain in our lives. From regrets about past mistakes, to anxieties and lamentations about things changing and their inevitable loss—this, I suppose, is the grim and inextricable part of the human condition.
Then there’s what I consider “optional” discomforts; the hard stuff you do that inch you towards your goals, like putting yourself out there, being vulnerable to rejection, stepping out of your comfort zone, exerting yourself physically or mentally, working on yourself, owning up to mistakes, working to resolving past trauma and wounds, or doing something selfless for the benefit of others.
As humans, we are programmed to avoid all types of pain and discomfort. We’ve learned that we can defer the optional ones, and pacify away the mandatory ones with our vices.
So making the decision to take the Yang path is no cake walk. If you decide to take it, you are going to have to take that discomfort into your awareness, sit with it and feel it wholly. No distraction. No relief.
It’s going to be uncomfortable. It's going to sting. If your past has all sorts of trauma or let-downs, if the future is worrisome or grim, I wholeheartedly suggest you do this with the support of a therapist.
The point is, you can’t have both. You can’t have ceaseless happiness and limitless pleasure. You can’t have a life filled with a conga-line of titillations, void of any felt discomfort, while also remaining happy and at peace. You also can't have a life of zero discomfort and zero pain, even if you dropped every one of your vices. These are fantasies.
Plus, and this is the reason why I modified the symbol with several dots of decreasing size, both the pleasure and the discomfort will tend to fade with time.
You know what I mean right? For many of our vices and especially during a binge, especially when we’ve procrastinated to no end… it stops being about pleasure or entertainment, but just about relieving the urgent unbearable itch for more and for a distraction from reality.
It’s the same for discomforts. As we grow into the habit of observing them mindfully, as we do the work to mend our past traumas and work for a more secure future, as we get used to the discomfort, as we learn to greet it like our devilish little friend that taunts us we step under a squat rack or in front of a blank page… the discomfort will run its course. It will lessen.
So.
It’s either dots of foreground pleasure—mindlessly consumed and fading in intensity—with background misery, OR dots of foreground discomfort—mindfully observed, managed and fading in importance—with a background of happiness.
Yin or Yang.
Which one will you choose?
Ultimately it's up to you to ponder the implications and decide. Many and most people are perfectly OK to coast through life on the Yin path (i.e. lots of pleasure used to ignore and mask over background misery); or at least they make it seem ok. That's fine.
But if you do decide to take the Yang path, I urge you to do something to remind yourself exactly what it is you are after...
...Real, enduring happiness over fake ephemeral pleasure...
...Moments of mindfully managed discomfort over the miserable hangover of procrastination and overindulging on vices…
… the joy of contribution; of not living just for me, myself and I, on a hamster wheel of satisfying your carnal desires; but for something greater than you. Something meaningful and fulfilling.
… the eventual arrival of your goals, and a real blast of bliss from a deserved reward. A fair and honest trade of work for inner satisfaction…
If you ask me, taking and sticking to the Yang path is 10000x better and worth the added effort, even though it might not seem like it at first.
I hope for you to take it too, and more importantly, to be compassionate with yourself when you slip and find yourself back on the Yin.
Be well,
Simon ㋛