Taking on the Meditator's Mindset is essential for self-improvement.
For years I could never stick with the promises I made to end bad habits—it didn't matter if I went 'Cold-Turkey' or if I tried weaning off or moderation. Everything changed once I took on the "Meditator's Mindset". Today, I'm not perfect, but man, I’m doing way better.
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The rules of meditation are dead simple.
Rule no. 1: Focus your attention on your breath.
...
That’s it.
The genius thing about meditation, however, is the overarching unspoken rule of meditation, which seems to contradict that one rule: you’re allowed to lose focus on the breath.
You see, when learning meditation, you’re taught that if this happens, you’re supposed to just note that it did and gently return to the breath. No need to get critical of yourself—in fact, a side goal of meditation is to observe first-hand the frenetic circus that is the mind. Thinking of random things and going off on tangents is natural and our job is simply to sit and observe it happen, and do what we can to reign it in.
The unspoken rule seems to negate the hard rule, but somehow the practice still works. This is because with meditation, it’s not just ok if you fail, it’s entirely expected—in fact, the act of “picking yourself back up when you fail” by returning to the breath, is itself the practice.
But this post isn’t about meditation. This post is about bad habits—and when it comes to ending bad habits, adopting what I call the ‘Meditator’s Mindset’, is the best and easiest way to succeed.
So, we’ve all been in the position of recognizing a nasty habit that needs to end. As stimulating or gratifying as it may be, it’s causing us to procrastinate, waste time and it leads to frustration and anguish as it slowly scrubs our chance at achieving our dream life. So we tell ourselves, enough.
I’ve been there a million times over.
The first step always involved looking at your options.
Option 1: Go for moderation. Let me set a fixed amount of time per day to indulge. Perhaps set it as a reward for a decent work session.
Option 2: Try weaning off the vice. Probably best to not go too extreme too fast. Let me see if I can dial it down each week so that in a month I’ll be set.
Option 3: Just go Cold-Turkey. That’s it. Enough with this non-sense that I barely enjoy. Let’s just kill it off, now.
So you try 1, and it doesn’t work. You try 2; doesn’t work. You try 3; doesn’t work. You try 3 harder; doesn’t work again. Ok, you try 3 super hard with super clear resolutions and a calendar with Xs and a r/ NoSurf post that screams THAT’S IT IM DONE PEOPLE aaaand… it doesn’t work.
Fugg.
What I hadn’t realized back then was that, regardless of path you take, you have to add that unspoken rule that says it’s ‘okay’ to falter.
This is the Meditator’s Mindset.
With this mindset, you let go of any fantasy of one day being perfect forever. You stop with the obsession of keeping track of the number of days in a row you made it without your vice (and perpetually having to reset the clock in frustration). You now accept and expect that you will falter a bit, and that sooner or later you will fail. And that’s ok. To be clear: there are several lines of defenses against faltering, like using webblockers or practicing mindfulness, but there’s a zero percent chance you’ll ever get it perfect and that's ok.
This doesn’t mean I allow myself to engage in my vices willy-nilly. No I have rules, just like there are rules in meditation. But I carry with me the unspoken rule to be compassionate with myself when I do the equivalent of losing focus on the breath. I gently detach from my vices when I catch myself doing it, I allow for some compassion and I revert my focus to what I know I’m supposed to do.
Self-compassion is key in meditation. Without it, you’d get frustrated at how often your mind switches to thinking about your grocery list or that work deadline. Then with that frustration, you’d have more thoughts and emotions, further distracting you from the task at hand. So compassion is not just what you should do to be nice, in meditation it’s altogether required.
It’s the same for you and your commitment to end your bad habits. By all means, have hard written rules and remind yourself of them everyday—this is what I do—but don’t ever forget that you are human, and that humans evolved to act on instinct and grab at rewards for survival.
Once you let go of striving for perfection and allow for some self-compassion, a funny thing starts to happen. You’ll start to see the vices for what they are. Sort of ‘meh’. We all tend to engage in our vices mostly as a way to relieve or distract away bad feeling, so if you lose the stress and regret of your willpower failings, you’ll lose a lot the inner turmoil, and the reason to indulge in the vice. The bad habit just sort-of sorts itself out.
Bottom line is this, just like your mind will wander in a meditation session despite that one simple rule, you are going ‘wander’ and do things impulsively. When you catch yourself in the act, keep calm, be compassionate towards yourself, and return to the breath.
Best,
- Simon ㋛