Stuck in a rut of procrastination and chronic under-achievement?
You’re just missing a crucial piece to your Self-Improvement System.
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See this article and comments on Reddit.
Something just isn’t right.
For years now, you’ve been motivated to change; itching to get disciplined, yearning to build a better life. You’ve been reading self-help, trying out methods and techniques, testing various apps, programs, systems.
None of it sticks.
You always find your way back to your old habits and routines. Back to endless procrastination. Back to doom-scrolling. Back to late-nights. Back to hate-filled self-talk.
With each try, it's like, well... another failed method that seemingly works magic for everyone… except for me.
It feels like something’s missing; like something’s lacking. It shouldn’t be this difficult; this hard to do—and not do—what you would make your life 1000x better.
You’re not wrong.
You’re finding it impossible not because you aren’t trying hard enough—believe me, you are. You’re just missing a crucial piece of your self-improvement system.
It’s like your in a car with your foot down on the gas. But the engine’s missing a part, a simple gear that’ll convert the engine’s revving to motion. Pushing down harder won’t get it to move—nor with trying to “motivate yourself” through hate filled self-talk. Finding what that missing piece is and replacing it will.
So what is missing for you and your system? I can promise you it's one of three things:
1. Compassion
Self-compassion is the ability to anticipate and accept that you will slip-up or deviate from your commitments.
The Compassionate take on a “Meditator’s Mindset”: they set concrete rules and boundaries—as a meditator would with the hard “rule” of focusing on the breath—yet they are able to readily forgive themselves and move on quickly and emotionally unscathed when they slip-up—again, as does a meditator with their wandering mind. They don't descend into spirals of self-contempt, blame, self-harm and bingeing.
Most people, especially those feeling pressure and expectations from parents, society, etc., opt to disregard self-compassion out of a fear that it will turn them soft, complacent and undisciplined.
Or else they feel that they don’t deserve it.
This is you. What you deserve, so your thinking goes, is to be scorned and punished for any slip-up. This is your default mode; what you do on reflex. You've become so incredibly hard on yourself when you inevitably fall short from impossible expectations.
One of these days, you hope that all negativity and pressure will finally kick you into gear.
But it won't.
The problem isn't just that years of this takes a harsh toll on your mental health. The problem is that it's simply ineffective. Pressure, stress, self-hate don't lead to motivation and productivity... they lead to vices, which work to instantly relieve these bad feelings. They lead to deepening cycles of procrastination and chronic under-achievement via the vice feedback loop (imgur link).
Nevertheless, without self-compassion, you might do well for a while. With enough willpower, you can force yourself into new habits. But as soon as one little hiccup occurs in life—maybe you make a mistake at work, maybe you have a terrible night’s sleep because of your colicky 1-year-old—everything comes crashing down.
A days (or weeks?) long binge is all but unavoidable. Your inner resentment and judgement gets reinforced. You try again, no choice there, a little more jaded and cynical.
If you lack self-compassion, you are a Binger.
2. Carefulness
To be careful in the context of self-improvement means being aware of your inner desires, drives and compulsions—which are often at odds with your long term-goals—accepting them, and then you doggedly adapting.
Said in more concrete terms, the Careful develop and employ processes and routines that work to defend against these antiquated drives.
For example, when you approach your desk for a work session, you aren’t all casual or reckless; your head in the sky. You don’t improvise. You don’t just “trust” that you’ll stay focused while prioritizing the important stuff.
No.
You get diligent and methodological. You turn your phone off; you put up website blockers. You use productivity techniques like prioritized task lists, Time Boxing, and the Pomodoro Method. You take a moment to check in with yourself and observe the cravings and compulsions to deviate.
You do your damn routine—your little song and dance—even when it feels useless and unnecessary.
Especially when it feels useless and unnecessary.
Those who are lack carefulness might maintain a decent mental space. They might shrug off their failures like it's nothing. But seen from the outside, their lives are an untethered, distractible mess.
They’re leaves in the wind, going with the flow, off on tangents, following their emotional whims, always towards what is most “shinny” or seemingly urgent. The result is ineffective work sessions, neglected project ideas and abandoned lifestyle goals.
The result is the ruthless passage of time—months, years, decades—with nothing to show for it.
If you lack carefulness, you are a Drifter.
3. Confidence
Finally, there’s Confidence. Confidence is believing in yourself; believing that who you are at your core is immutable, strong and stronger, much stronger, than the pull of your vices.
Sure, you might do better with the odd external aid like a website blocker or an accountability partner. But if you have confidence, it means you believe yourself to be fundamentally intelligent, rational, and guided by higher values like contribution and the pursuit of long-term goals over instant gratification.
The Confident simply know that they are capable of making the right choices.
Key word there is capable.
Being confident doesn’t mean you’ll always and automatically make those choices. It means you can make the right choice when given the opportunity. And you are only afforded that opportunity when you are calm-headed and present to the moment—which is a slippery mind state even for the best of us. It’s just a matter of prompting yourself to return to that awareness; building a mindfulness habit.
The opposite of confidence is a distrust in your self.
Those without confidence must coerce themselves into action with force, peer-pressure or carrot-on-a-stick rewards. This works okay... until it doesn't and it backfires.
Without trust in their abilities, they are perpetually on guard, nervous and pessimistic. They are driven to extreme measures like setting convoluted and irrevocable screen-time limits, or deleting and swearing off all social media forever… which, fine, you’ve excised the cancers, but you’ve done nothing about your tumor causing mindset and need for coping mechanisms.
You can’t block or avoid all vices, all of the time.
The source of much of your vice’s power is the boogeyman stories you tell yourself about them. It’s learned helplessness that can be unlearned with every instance of consciously making the make the right choice. You can start small (atomic) and build up slowly: short work-outs, 1-minute meditations, tidying up a single corner of your room...
Bottom line is, we're all living in a world of chaos and ubiquitous temptations for instant and easy escapes. Without confidence, you are forced to play defense with a pitiful wooden shield. Without confidence, you are too craven to take a stand and put up an offensive.
You’ll find yourself with zero self-control, failing over and over. There's just way too much you can't control.
Without confidence, you are a Helpless.
…
Compassion, Carefulness, Confidence (imgur link to Venn diagram).
These are the three essential elements to a healthy and enduring self-improvement system. Which one is lacking in you… and what are you going to do about it?
- Simon ㋛
See this article and comments on Reddit.
Note:
So I felt stylistically driven to leave an unresolved type ending there, but, still I don’t want to leave you hanging. I’ve written about these three before at the r/getdisciplined subreddit: Compassion 1 - 2, Carefulness 1 - 2, Confidence/mindfulness 1.