Unless you get CRYSTAL CLEAR on what path you want to take, you'll never break out of your rut.
I've decided to 'get disciplined' a million times, but things never stuck. Breaking out of my rut only happened when it became CRYSTAL CLEAR what I was actually deciding on.
Here's what I've come to see: life is all about a tradeoff of happiness versus pleasure. You can pick either a life of short moments of pleasure with an emotional backdrop of misery (our default), OR moments of short-lived discomfort with an subtle emotional backdrop of happiness. It's either pleasure + misery or discomfort + happiness. The choice is yours to make.
Since I've made my decision, things have changed: I'm chipping away at my goals, feeling satisfied with my progress, and doing (mostly) alright.
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January 1st is coming up (or the start of the school year, or some other milestone day) where we're all going to make ambitious pacts to get disciplined.
We'll proclaim to the world "This is who I want to be, and this is what I have to do—and not do—to actually be that person". It'll go well for a little while, then we’ll slip a little and before we know it, we'll be back to our old ways, or worst as we binge on our vices in a vain attempt at drown out our self-contempt.
We'll then tell ourselves the problem is our lack of self-control. It's our inborn apathy and a lack of motivation. Perhaps fundamentally we are flawed... damaged... simply less than the other people out there on Instagram or whatever that have their proverbial shit together.
Sound familiar? Of course, none of that is true; believe me (or believe your trained therapist who’ll tell you the same thing).
Here's the truth: breaking out of your rut will be tricky, but it is entirely possible with the right mindset, tools and support. What I've learned after struggle for 15+ years with brutal procrastination and bad habits is that it's absolutely critical to first gain clarity as to what it is you are seeking when you promise to get disciplined.
We tend to have this vague notion that, if I "get disciplined", good stuff will come and bad stuff will be avoided. Though true enough, none of that is clear, so when it comes time to make any one of the thousands of decisions that actually count—should I eat this donut… should I watch another episode instead of exercise… should I put off starting on my work by checking Youtube—you’ll have nothing concrete and coveted to point to, so it becomes easy and automatic to say “NO… I don’t want that basic crap. I want this instead…”.
In other words, on January 2nd, you'll end up rationalizing your old troublesome behavior because you'll have no clear view of what's at stake. That vague notion that things will be better if I stick with my promises won't be a good enough motivator. If it was, you would have kept last year’s resolutions. You need something better.
So here is what’s massively helped me gain clarity of what’s actually at stake in my life.
Start by picturing the Yin-Yang symbol.
In life, you can take either the Yin path OR the Yang path.
Our default is the Yin path (black-half with the white dot). On this path you get access to pleasures. This is represented by the white dot: little gumdrop moments of gratification; innocent distraction from the worries and stress of our lives; sweet relief from the incessant itch of craving.
But the backdrop is black. It's dark as heck.
When you’re not mindlessly inserting food in your face or urgently tapping at Reddit for a fix of fresh links, you’ll notice a background refrigerator hum of pain. Regret, worry, longing, craving… our unprocessed emotional pain is always there, unprocessed, un-dealt with.
The Yin is a life of pain—a reverse nightmare that starts only when you wake up off your devices and you open your eyes to reality—dotted with ephemeral, fleeting moments of pleasure and relief.
The Yang path is the opposite.
It has that white, peaceful backdrop we all seek. A clear and content mental space. A joyful and grateful temperament. The destination is not having this or that—it’s not even succeeding or enjoying the many fruits of success. It’s simply the blissful absence of wanting. Of being ok with what is in the here and now (and this, btw, is what opioids are notorious for simulating).
There is, however, the inevitable black dot with the Yang path. It’s discomfort.
If you chose the path of Yang, if you want the white backdrop of happiness, you have to learn to confront and deal with black pointed moments of discomfort.
We all have pain in our lives. From regrets about past mistakes, to anxieties about change and loss; this is, I suppose, the grim inextricable part of the human condition.
Then there’s the optional discomfort of doing what you need to do to accomplish your goals, like putting yourself out there, stepping out of your comfort zone, and exerting yourself physically or mentally.
These are the discomforts we’ve programmed our brains to either avoid or pacify away with our vices. If we decide to step on out onto Yang path—which is what “getting disciplined” ultimately requires you to do—you are going to have to take that discomfort into your awareness, sit with it and feel it wholly. No distraction. No relief. No emotional blanky.
It’s going to be uncomfortable. It's going to sting. If your past has all sorts of trauma or let-downs, if the future is worrisome or grim, I wholeheartedly suggest you do this with a therapist.
The point is, you can’t have both. You can’t have a life filled with a conga-line of titillations, void of any felt discomfort, while also remaining happy and at peace. You also can't have a life of zero pleasures but also no discomfort. These are fantasies.
It’s either dots of foreground pleasure (mindlessly consumed) with background misery, OR dots of foreground discomfort (mindfully observed and managed) with a background of happiness.
Yin or Yang.
Which one will you choose?
Ultimately it's up to you to ponder the implications and decide. Many and most people are ok to coast with the Yin path (pleasure + misery); or at least they make it seem ok. That's fine.
But if you decide to take the Yang path (discomfort + happiness), see I urge you to do something to remember exactly what it is you are after...
...Real, enduring happiness over fake ephemeral pleasure...
...Moments of mindfully managed discomfort over the miserable hangover of procrastination and overindulging on vices.
Perhaps draw a little Yin-Yang symbol with an arrow pointing to the white part somewhere to remind you... or do like I do and make yourself read a little reminder each day (I have actually have sheet of paper that I read as part of my morning routine).
If you ask me, taking and sticking to the Yang path is 10000x better and worth it, even though it might not seem like it at first. I hope for you to take it too, and more importantly, to be compassionate with yourself when you slip and find yourself back on the Yin.
If you need help with this and the process of starting up on good habits and ending bad ones, and if you like the vibe of my writing, I suggest you read the Habit Reframe Method.
Be well,
Simon ㋛