You have your bad-habits—Cold-Turkey and moderation haven't worked. Here's why. Part 2: the solution.
When it comes to my vices, I've obsessed over the methods and mindsets to manage them. Total abstinence versus moderation. Cold-Turkey versus weaning.
Thing is, no matter the method or mindset I'd take on, with time, my resolve would soften and slacken, so too would the rules and boundaries I'd set. I'd start to rationalize a little extra here and there… and soon enough I'd be back to my old ways. It’s utterly inevitable.
The reason this happens is because I never dealt with the root cause of the problem. I was trying to tack on a self-discipline shell to a core that wouldn't allow it. I realized it was far better—essential really—to discover and manage why I was needing self-control and discipline in the first place. Why it seemed that my life revolved around rules and fighting temptations, day in, day out.
I discovered that, by dealing with the root cause of the problem, then “where I landed with my vices was where I land”, meaning it could be moderation for some (a few insightful YouTube videos before crashing), full abstinence for others (zero sugary drinks). It would be irrelevant; I stopped being bothered with labels, nor with measuring this or timing that. Life started to get easier and enjoyable.
So what is that root problem? I went into an admittedly long stream of consciousness last week, but it boils down to a need to pacify/distract/numb discomfort and pain with my vices. We all carry around a lot of pain with us, a ton of worries and insecurities and that is why we compulsively reach for our vices.
I wrote:
We’re all so brutally hard on ourselves when it comes to our vices and our willpower failings. Yet, the reality is, from a young age, we simply found coping mechanisms to deal with the whirlwind of troubling emotions, as provoked by the big scary world we found ourselves in. We found effective yet unsustainable ways to survive and deal with the threats coming at us from all directions and the pain that we began to feel as we emerged into adolescence.
…These became our habits. The impulsive actions we took just to survive. It’s only now, many years later, that they’ve become bad habits…
We shouldn’t be mad ourselves, nor at the ointment to the pain (our vices)—it is what it is—we should be mad and concerned about the pain that has driven us, naturally and understandably, for quick relief as kids and now today.
We—mature, ambitious, young adults with our lives ahead of us—simply need newer, better, more constructive, more sustainable ways to cope with pain, discomfort and the worries of our modern world.
So here are those ways I have learned worked, which has lead naturally to substantial decreases in the amount that I consume my vices:
Talk therapy. More than anything else, these sessions have provided me with the tools I needed (this was especially the case for me because I found a psychologist specialized in CBT).
A friend had me think of it as no big deal—as mundane as, say, going to a hardware store to pick up a tool to assemble something. Building Ikea furniture is pretty straightforward; yet if the box was missing the Allen key, it would be impossible to build, even for an experienced carpenter.
That same carpenter would have zero shame walking into a hardware store, speaking to an expert, and ensuring that she came away with the precise tool she needed for the job. Neither should I. Neither should you. Get those tools.
2) Mindfulness. This was the primary tool I was equipped with during therapy. It took some practice, but today I have cultivated a pretty consistent habit of observing these emotions when they come up.
Mindfulness invites you to sit with your emotions, thoughts and sensations. It has you watch them in a detached and non-judgmental way—like you might watch a passing dark cloud on an otherwise sunny day at the beach.
Huh… there it is again. That dark cloud. That feeling of depression and hopelessness. That feeling is sadness and that is hurt. Ok, now there’s that sensation of regret, and a stinging memory that goes with it…
From there, I let it do it’s thing. I wait and observe.
I’m going to just sit here and watch these things.
Much like watching a cloud won’t make it disappear, this isn’t a technique or whatever to zap it all away—after all, that is what I tried to do with my vices for a decade, yet the feelings always caught up with me (plus my vices ended up contributing to my stress, regret and other bad feelings). So I just observe until it fades away, if ever it does.
3) Better ways to cope. If the pain or discomfort doesn’t go away, even after 5, 10 minutes, I’ll allow myself to go for a walk. Or I’ll turn on some music, a Podcast or audiobook. I’ll wander around the house, maybe do some tidying up, water the plants or give the pets a little attention.
Taking the time and effort to concertedly point your attention to uncomfortable emotions can be heavy and taxing. No one can fault you for wanting a break. The key is to find ways to do so that doesn’t end up making things worst.
As long as you’re willing to return back to observing at some point, a little pause with some zero or low-tech ‘distraction’ can be okay.
4) Environmental changes. There’s quick, low-hanging fruit interventions that work as patches while the whole of you heals and grows. Webblockers can be key as a first defense for autopilot actions. Ditto for getting rid of junk food, gaming consoles or whatever else from the house.
Remember: your brain is programmed to reach for these things when you feel triggered with pain or discomfort. It doesn't even have to be anything severe; even subtle boredom or tedium can be enough.
The entire brain’s reward circuit is involved here—from the deeper parts responsible for desires and compulsions, to the outer, newer parts responsible for thoughts and coming up with a neat excuses that justifies the action. These are habits, and habits literally make you do stuff.
Your compulsive habits and rationalizing thought processes will carry momentum for a long while. Better to do what you can to wedge something—a block, an inconvenience, a reminder—between the stimulus and your habitual reflex. In that way you can respond using mindfulness (and eventually a positive action if needed).
5) Temporarily delay sources of discomfort. Give yourself permission to take it easy for a short while.
It’s a popular aphorism to “seek discomfort”, and we’ve all heard that “success comes to those that step out of their comfort zone”—that’s all true and necessary, but you don’t have to do it right now—right when your focus should be on learning how to come to terms with past traumas, plus manage life’s default gauntlet of stresses.
So, while you are transitioning between someone with ineffective and damaging coping strategies, to someone with effective and healthful ones, a good idea is to make your life a little easier. If your job is a source of stress and anxiety, work with your therapist and HR to get a mandated break off work or reduced workload. If you’re stuck in an endless loop of procrastination and cramming, you could probably speak with your professor for some slack in terms of deadlines—most would accommodate especially if you indicate that you are working with a counsellor or therapist.
For me this was key.
I have this ‘self-help’ writing side project dream thing going, which, although is exciting, fulfilling and is helping to add meaning my past suffering, it is a HUGE source of discomfort for me. It’s made me realize I carry with me deep seeded roots of social insecurity. So when I post something, I’m putting myself out there, and certain parts of me—my ego—become obsessed with getting pings of validation.
If I don’t get the validation of upvotes, I’m triggered like a mofo. If I do get some and then it wanes, I’m triggered like a mofo. If I get 99 compliments but then 1 criticism, I’m triggered life a mofo.
Either way, nothing puts me on a track to grab at my vices, ironically, as when I share self-help ideas on how to not grab at vices. From there, as I do so with apparently perfectly reasonably excuses, the feeling of imposter syndrome spirals out in a feedback loop. A binge becomes inevitable.
So, the best thing I did was decide to take a break for the summer. I focused on getting my habits in check and the armor in place. Now as I am starting to post again, I’ll do it with an immense amount of awareness plus certain controls. I’ve also dropped the expectation of being perfect.
Like yours, my dreams and goals require me to do uncomfortable things in the pursuit of higher rewards—the key is to make sure you have first the tools and processes in place to actually properly deal with that discomfort. A foundation of healthful habits is also important. If you don't have any of that, that discomfort and your reflexes to pacify it will sabotage you every time.
6) Offer yourself compassion when you slip. Again, this is all about managing sources of bad feelings, so the more you can forgive yourself and accept that you’re a human and that humans do irrational, impulsive things… despite knowing better… the less self-inflicted stress and reinforcing thoughts you’ll need to deal with and manage.
…
You got this.
Perhaps you’re thinking about how all the above resonated and seems promising—yet, I'm aware there's nothing I could say to undo your all your apprehensions and self-doubt, acquired from years of failures and self-contempt.
But, you got this.
With time, good support, the right tools, and a boat-load of patience and well deserved self-compassion, the emotions that lead you to your vices will either lesson, and you’ll have better, more effective and constructive methods to manage the ones that linger. In a word, you are going to grow in maturity.
Once there, moderation will not only be possible, but natural. Consuming a little of what was once a vice could be seen as a net benefit to your life.
YouTube is one of my biggest vices, but I know it also contains I treasure trove of useful information, powerful insights, and pleasantly positive entertainment. Same for Reddit. I’m just now getting to a point yet where I can allow myself a little in controlled doses.
The path I took to get to this point was a long and bumpy—to put it mildly—but everything changed when I accepted that my progress was never going to fit in a neat linear line of progress through some 30-day-self-help-program-to-a-better-life™, but that my progress was going to take on a cyclical and iterative approach.
You heard it before: success comes to those who try, fail, learn something, then get back up and try again. In other words, success will come to you once you bake the possibility of failure into your strategy for getting better. That’s what I did and if you want the method I stitched together after lots of research plus trial and error, check out the Habit Reframe Method (free PDF).
But, the path you take is ultimately up to you, as guided by your trusty support network.
If I can leave you with one thing to remember it’s this: it’s not about abstinence or moderation, weening or cold-turkey. Forget all that. What's important is gently working on the nuts and bolts of the machinery up in your noggin, so you can live the best possible life, whatever that may eventually look like.
- Simon ㋛
***If you found the above ideas helpful, please take a second to check out the Reddit post and upvote. If you have any comments or questions, do it there and I’ll be sure to respond :) ***
Note: There’s still a few spots left in the free/donation based group accountability program. Check it out here ;).